Bye Mom

Sorry for the laps in blogging but this has been a hard fall for me. It is with a heavy heart that I write that my mom passed away November 22 from multiple myeloma.

I started out that week going with her to doctors appointment on monday the 20th. She was not really there only physically but I talked to her. We got the bad news that her cancer had spread to her lungs and so we headed back to the care center for our next plan which was getting hospice involved. Mom didn't say much to me that morning in fact nothing. It was just a blank stare. When I was done with meetings at the care center I headed to mom's room. As I entered the room she looked at me with surprized eyes like she didn't know I was there. I talked with her about the appointment that morning. She remembered nothing. I told her that her cancer had spread to her lungs and that we are stopping treatment if that is what she wanted. She agreed. I could see in her eyes she was releived. She had fought the fight and was done. I can't blame her. It was tough seeing her go through all the chemo and radiation then to be faced with more chemo after her radiation. I told her that it was ok and I understood and that she had been through a lot and I was so very proud of her. I also told her I was glad she was talking to me as she had not talked with me that morning. She told me she didn't know me.........my heart sank even further into my chest if that was possible. I sat with her a while longer before heading home and told her I would be back on Wednesday after work.

I got to work on Tuesday and something made me rethink my plans for Wednesday and the following week. I decided to leave Wednesday afternoon instead of waiting until after work to head down to mom's. I also had this strange feeling that I needed to get things kind of laid out at work for the next week. I headed out Wednesday afternoon and on the drive down I called friends to wish them a happy holiday as I didn't know if I would have time to talk to them on Thanksgiving Day. I got to mom's and gave her the CD player we got her for Christmas. Since her oncologist thought she would not make it to Christmas we thought she could enjoy it now. She was not responsive and her breathing was not good. I decided it was important to put on some music and picked out a hymn CD. Mom loved hymns so that was and easy choice. I put the music on every so softly and then sat next to her bed talking to her and holding her hand. I talked about my day and the weather and how much I loved her. I noticed her breathing change as she was really struggling to catch her breath. I told her that if she wanted to go to heaven that it was ok and that I would be ok. I noticed her breathing change again. I told her that I loved her and not to be afraid...little did I know I was wathcing the last breaths my mom would take. I got to spend the last 40 mins of her life with her and comforting her. I never thought of what I would say to her during her last minutes of life. It was like God was speaking through me to help mom and me. It was a very strange feeling. I was so glad I had made it there earlier. Would she had suffered longer and waited for me to get there or would she have died alone? Looking back at it there had to have been someone guiding me to get to this point. Getting down to mom's earlier, getting work done for the next week, calling friends and wishing them a happy holiday, putting on the hymns and then to tell her don't be afraid.......I guess I will know one day but I am pretty sure God was there helping me comfort mom but he also had his arm around me to help, guide and comfort me also.

I will never understand why God lets some people suffer here on earth...maybe mom was not ready or maybe it was me that was not ready to let her go....again this will be answered one day. Whatever the answer is I am sure mom is well now and both mom and dad are dancing up a storm in Heaven.

It is never easy burying a parent (my dad died 21 years ago) let alone your last living parent as it makes you feel like you are just floating out there somewhere and are not a part of anything....it is a very strange feeling. I know I have family and friends but it feels so different somehow....hard to explain. When your parent(s) are alive you feel like you can always go home but now you can't....even thought your home is physically there it is not filled with the love and security it used to have. I do know however that mom lives on in my heart and that will sustain me!!

Listening to Chicago Cubs opening day 2007 will be hard. I will not be able to call mom and talk to her about the game and what we think of the team this year....but I am pretty sure she will have the best seat at Wrigley and be singing "take me out to the ballgame" as loud as can be and sitting right next to Harry Carey!!!............GO CUBBIES.

MOM, YOU WILL BE MISSED!!

I started this blog as a way to help me deal with what I was going through with my mom by giving me another outlet to think of other random things and not dwelling on what I was going through watching mom fight this rotten disease. With this last entry it is about healing and that is in reality what this blog was about to begin with......so let the healing begin..... for life is a journey not a destination...................